February 16, 2020
Father, I ask for your blessing on this day. May I be replete with Your joy, filling me up and spilling over to others. I want to be in this day, aware of Your presence, aware of Your love and overwhelming acceptance. I want to treat me like You treat me.
Trying to establish new habits: Does it matter if I’m doing something simply to check the item from my list versus acting to truly care for myself? To what purpose is meditation if it’s on a to-do list? Does it matter to my body if I eat salad because it’s on my agenda or because I want to bless my body?
I have felt untethered for the last few weeks, disconnected from myself and God. Doing, without much being. Is this a natural rhythm? I’m not a machine; I can’t run on forever. Is awareness being switched on and dissociation switched off?
There is choice. Dissociation is my fear response, curling up and protecting my mind from stress. Can I train my brain to have a different response, one not based in fear? Can I recognize the stress, name the fear and give the burden to Jesus? Can I stop punishing myself, stop judging and condemning myself? Can I name that comfortable self-contempt as an old coat to be put aside? Can I receive Jesus’ new robe of welcome? Can I wear that throughout my day, feeling its warmth, reveling in its softness?